"I turn off the flashlight the woods begin to eat me." -Matthew Rohrer, from Rise Up

Sensibility

I begin to hear a strange thumping coming from the engine compartment of my car, so I call Calvin Schmidt, the man who I gave that horse-racing-gambling advice to a few years back. Or it was investing advice, or crime advice. Either way, he accrued a large sum of money because of me. If you need anything at all, give me a call he said. I’m especially good with cars, and things of that type of mechanical nature. The phone rings for some time, and, eventually, I’m led into leaving Calvin a message. Hey, Calvin, it’s me, Gary. Uhh Gary Stein, from a few years back I say. Midway through my next sentence, Calvin answers the phone. Easy with the names he says, in an urgent, hushed tone. My phone may be tapped. What do you want, anyway he says. Well, my car has started making this thumping noise that seems to be coming from the engine compartment I say. Can you do an impression of the thumping he says. Uhh, well, it’s like ‘thuh-thuh, thuh-thuh, thuh-thuh’ I say. Just as I feared he says. Your car is having heart problems. Begin it on an aspirin regimen immediately. A moment of silence passes. Aspirin I say. Aspirin, yes, just into the gas tank every time you fill up he says. Also, try to keep your car away from stressful situations. Stressful situations I say. Yes, that means no highway driving, at least for a while he says. Also, when I hear the thumping, the steering wheel jerks a bit I say. Oh dear, oh dear. That is a clear indication of a nervous condition he says. I can prescribe a mild sedative, but that may impair your car’s driving ability he says. Mild sedative I say. Yes, just for the nerves he says. I can’t help but think that he’s speaking in some sort of code, because of the phone tap. We’re talking about my metal car, here I say. Your metal car with a heart condition, and a nervous condition he says, correcting me. Maybe you’d better come by and have a look I say. I’d love to meet your car he says. I hear it’s beautiful and sleek. Yes beautiful, and yes, sleek I say. Put in a good word for me he says. A good word I say. Sure thing I say, but I won’t put in a good word for him. I just don’t think he’s right for my car. He gambles, or invests money, or is involved with crime to some extent, plus this phone-tap business. He’s real sleaze. I regret that I called him.